Happy Pansexual Pride Day!

How I found the Ultimate Queer Wife Magic

In honor of the day, I’d like to share a positive story, about being married to my wife, who happens to identify as pan.

All too often in our community we see so much biphobia and panphobia, and my experience happens to be with the sapphic variety, so I spent a lifetime hearing my lesbian friends make passing jokes about someone being “only half gay” or other terrible accusations of folks, just for being who they are.

I came out when I was a relatively young teenager, and it took me many many more years of healing and understanding to fully connect with my Non-Binary Identity. When I met Emily, I still identified solidly as a cisgender lesbian masculine of center woman. I really had never even questioned it….at least not out loud.

As the years moved on, I became more comfortable in my butch-ness than ever before. And as I did that I slowly started to connect the dots to my gender being not quite what I had always thought it was.

In the early days before we were married, Emily was always supportive of everything that I shared. How would you feel if I called you ‘handsome’? I thought my heart was going to explode. I had never felt so much euphoria as I did that first time she called me that. One day I mustered up the courage to to ask her “What if I don’t like my breasts, why does that change, what does that mean?” I asked….terrified of her response. “Well, Okay, you don’t have to, lots of people don’t. Do you want to look into binders or top surgery or…?” The surprise and extreme safety I felt immediately when she was so supportive, it was overwhelming. “I love who you are, not what your body parts are” is the common conversation that we carry on.

I can say without a doubt the direction of that conversation is the first domino that gave me a safe space to continue to explore who I really am. And my now wife, just loved me and supported me through it. Because she loves me for me, not for my gender identity, not for my body shape, not even for my haircut (which is actually a little shocking). The way my wife loves me, and the way she connects with her identity, allows me to explore myself to the fullest extent, and never have to worry that it will change the way she feels about me. 🩷💛💙